˙dn ʇooɟ˙
Monday 29 October 2012
Thursday 30 August 2012
Why Ian Beale looks like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
Ian Beale in Eastenders |
Tom Hanks in Cast Away |
My attempt at explaining Ian Beale's recent change in appearance:
"Ian Beale was a humble man with an equally humble profession in the fast food industry.
His life was turned upside down when he changed his line of work and became a courier.
All was good, he was comfortable and didn't smell of chip fat any more.
This was until his Fed-Ex cargo plane plummeted into the sea and he began to smell of jet fuel, seaweed and despair.
He sheltered himself from the elements in a cave and had to socialise with a blood stained volleyball and eat crabs.
He lay awake all night reminiscing of his 'restaurant' days and the simple yet rewarding times they provided for him and his (now distant) family.
His sorrow gradually turned into hope and ambition.
He concocted elaborate plans for his return which he plastered onto the cave wall with his own excrement.
Some of these plans involved time travel. Others, teleportation - A futuristic idea he had seen on some film with Geoff Goldblum in it.
None of these plans worked as he only had stones, coconuts, crab shells, palm leaves and sand to work with.
After wasting 9 months of his solitary existence, working on the 'Flux Pod' he resorted to making a raft from twigs.
He eventually drifted back to the land of TV soaps to sell chips again.
Everyone thought he had died in the crash and were openly disappointed to find he had survived.
They shouted, "Go back to being dead, Ian!!" and mocked his chip shop. They taunted him and compared the taste and texture of his chips to those you get from the Chinese.
Once again Ian found himself full of grief and vulnerability.
Now he longed for a quiet, uninhabited place with no disdain or mockery.
He knew he couldn't go back to the island because of the lease on the chip shop and the years of back payments he owed on his child support.
He also knew he couldn't bear to stay in the soaps.
One day the producer came in to ensure Ian knew his lines and found him face down in a bubbling deep fat fryer.
He had left a note on the pile of paper he used to loving wrap the pea mixes in.
It read, "I'm sorry Wilson."
FIN.
This was until his Fed-Ex cargo plane plummeted into the sea and he began to smell of jet fuel, seaweed and despair.
He sheltered himself from the elements in a cave and had to socialise with a blood stained volleyball and eat crabs.
He lay awake all night reminiscing of his 'restaurant' days and the simple yet rewarding times they provided for him and his (now distant) family.
His sorrow gradually turned into hope and ambition.
He concocted elaborate plans for his return which he plastered onto the cave wall with his own excrement.
Some of these plans involved time travel. Others, teleportation - A futuristic idea he had seen on some film with Geoff Goldblum in it.
None of these plans worked as he only had stones, coconuts, crab shells, palm leaves and sand to work with.
After wasting 9 months of his solitary existence, working on the 'Flux Pod' he resorted to making a raft from twigs.
He eventually drifted back to the land of TV soaps to sell chips again.
Everyone thought he had died in the crash and were openly disappointed to find he had survived.
They shouted, "Go back to being dead, Ian!!" and mocked his chip shop. They taunted him and compared the taste and texture of his chips to those you get from the Chinese.
Once again Ian found himself full of grief and vulnerability.
Now he longed for a quiet, uninhabited place with no disdain or mockery.
He knew he couldn't go back to the island because of the lease on the chip shop and the years of back payments he owed on his child support.
He also knew he couldn't bear to stay in the soaps.
One day the producer came in to ensure Ian knew his lines and found him face down in a bubbling deep fat fryer.
He had left a note on the pile of paper he used to loving wrap the pea mixes in.
It read, "I'm sorry Wilson."
FIN.
Friday 24 August 2012
Birthday Parrott
(Click the picture, right click and view image to enlarge it.)
After seeing Paz's reaction to the porno poster I made for Joss, it seemed rude not to do one for his birthday too.
Joss and I spent about 4 hours playing around with this.
Joss and I spent about 4 hours playing around with this.
Other potential titles were:
- Schindler's Fist
- Chocolate Starfish Troopers
- Pulp Friction
- Schindler's Fist
- Chocolate Starfish Troopers
- Pulp Friction
Sunday 19 August 2012
Thursday 2 August 2012
One Page Profile
Everyone at work has to fill a profile page in for their file or something.
Here's mine...I'm not sure if I'll have to do it again or not.
Click on the picture, then right click on it when it comes up, select view image and magnify it.
Here's mine...I'm not sure if I'll have to do it again or not.
Click on the picture, then right click on it when it comes up, select view image and magnify it.
Sunday 13 November 2011
Six Inch.
Saturday 12 November 2011
Juice.
Sunday 9 October 2011
The house that Rob and Amanda built.
Thursday 29 September 2011
Your name in print...
Saturday 17 September 2011
Gunny.
A little something for my good friend Bryan.
Bry enjoys giving mini lectures to groups of friends.
Bry enjoys giving mini lectures to groups of friends.
His faithful, plastic, antique pistol, 'Gunny' is used for crowd control...as a last resort.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Sunday 24 April 2011
Saturday 23 April 2011
Jezza Kay.
My younger brother REALLY enjoys the Jeremy Kyle show.
I tried explaining to him that the show was dependent on exploitation for it's success.
I also tried to explain that he was partly responsible for this success by continuing to tune in to it.
I tried to explain that the 'guests' on the show were often struggling with addiction (alcohol, drugs, food etc).
I tried to explain that the 'guests' on the show were often victims of domestic violence.
I tried to explain that the 'guests' on the show were often recovering from or still encountering abuse (sexual, physical, psychological).
I tried to explain that the 'guests' on the show were often living with a disfigurement.
I tried to explain that the 'guests' on the show were often desperately trying to find out who the father of their child/children is.
I tried to explain that these factors more than likely, caused increasing difficulties in the 'guests' day to day lives.
I then tried to explain that it was perverse and maybe slightly sadistic to derive pleasure at the 'guests' expense.
I tried to explain that the likelihood of any of the problems illustrated on the show being resolved as a result of starring on the show were very slim.
Then I really tried to explain that Jeremy Kyle was a complete waste of skin and organs and that anyone who enjoys watching his poor excuse of a show is an idiot!!!
I tried.
In vain.
"So?......................It's funny." was all he said as he continued to eat his sugar puffs.
Saturday 9 April 2011
Tuesday 1 March 2011
Monsal Head - 12 Miler.
I had a day off today so decided to go wandering.
It only took 7 hours.
It only took 7 hours.
Myxomatosis reached the UK in 1953, being illegally imported onto an estate in West Sussex. Some in the UK deliberately spread the disease, placing sick rabbits in burrows, while many others deplored the cruelty and suffering. The government refused to legislate to make deliberate spread of the disease illegal. By 1955, about 95% of rabbits in the UK were dead. Rabbits suffering in the last stages of the disease, commonly called "mixy" or "myxie" rabbits, are still a common sight in the UK.
Scarlet Elf Cap
Disused Magpie Mine.
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